I Wish I Could Explain To Her

A few months ago, I was struggling to find a job in my profession. The job market felt like an endless maze, and my confidence was dwindling with each passing day. Amidst this chaos, I received an interview call from an office located in Mohali, Punjab. That call was like a beacon of hope in my stormy seas.

I was happy. After countless applications and rejections, this interview felt like my golden ticket. The first round was conducted online via cell phone. I aced it and got selected for the second round, which required me to visit the office for a machine test.

As I entered the office, I saw an older man, probably around 56, sitting in the first cabin on the right. Next to him was a person with a tilak on his forehead, and I later learned that the first cabin was for HR. On the left side, there were only two cabins: one for me and the other for the CEO, as I later discovered.

A senior took my technical interview, and two days later, I joined the team.

New Beginnings

When I started, there were only about 4–5 developers. The rest of the people felt more like helpers in our work. From day one, I was eager to connect with my new colleagues. I was also looking for a room to stay in, so I asked if anyone could help me out. They were open and friendly, assuring me that it was no big deal and we would figure something out.

Among those colleagues, there was a girl who caught my eye. She was smart, but the most important thing I look for in a girl is her simplicity, and she had it all. She didn’t talk much, focused on her work all day, and rarely laughed at common jokes. Her smile was pretty, not just cute; it brightened my day.

Slowly, things started changing.

What If She Wasn’t Like That?

We had a great office space, with desks on both the right and left sides. I had a fixed seat in the second row, and she sat behind me on the opposite side. At the start, we didn’t talk much. I never had intentions to look at girls, but I seriously appreciate the feeling of love. It equally feels like heaven to me.

We had a small space at the end where we made coffee or tea. Often, when I looked to the right, I made eye contact with her. It wasn’t just a fleeting glance; our eyes locked for several seconds, as if we were having a silent conversation.

But nothing significant happened at the end of the day; we both went our separate ways.

I Wanted to Say Something!

One day, there was something special in the office. I came from home on the bus in the morning and brought my flute, hoping to impress her. But nothing happened. It was Friday, and when she was leaving the office, I noticed she took the bus from the same location. I decided to join them at the exact timing. I packed my office bag and ran faster than ever to reach the bus stand on time.

Eventually, I saw her standing under a tree with the light of the sunset on her face, making her look more attractive than ever. She was talking over the phone, and I was looking at her. Her friend was talking with a few boys. I hesitated to join them due to my introverted nature. The bus came, and I observed which door she would use and followed her.

I was expecting her to talk to me, to resolve the puzzle of our office eye contacts. I am an introvert and don’t feel comfortable talking to people easily.

“Hi,” she said.

“Do you also take this bus regularly? We didn’t see you before.” Then she removed her mask, and we talked. Eventually, I felt comfortable talking to her.

“What’s your name?” she asked.

“Gurpreet,” I replied.

That was it. We didn’t talk much. She found a seat, and I stood there, eager to start a conversation. I wished I could ask her about our eye contact in the office.

The Plan

I saw a boy, the “Gym Boy,” standing in front of me and looking at her. He was smarter and better looking than me, no doubt. I observed that he was also trying to make a move.

I wanted her number, so I made a plan. I had her colleague’s number. I called him and asked for her number, saying, “Hey brother, I lost my wallet when I was coming from the office, maybe in the bus. I was with Palvi and her friend. Can you please give me her number so she could try to find it?” Of course, he sent me the number.

I called her. It felt like the bus station was heaven, full of good vibes. She talked to me.

That’s how I got her number, but it wasn’t a good way.

The Unspoken Feelings

We got to know each other. At lunch time, I started talking to her. She responded in the same way. We often had lunch together. I didn’t like her friend who always joined her for lunch.

I was like, “When will she leave you alone?” Yes, I said that. But I faced her friend who usually talked more than enough.

I wanted to confess my feelings, Maybe it was the fear of rejection, or perhaps it was the thought of ruining a good friendship.

One day, I confessed my feelings to her friend. And guess what? The boy from the bus had confessed his feelings five days before me. Isn’t this like buying a ticket first? She messaged me over whatsapp and we had a chat. She liked me, but girls never made the first move. She had a boyfriend now. Here we closed this chat. Now, we were in a relationship where I was neither a friend nor anything more. I didn’t want to lose her then, and I couldn’t explain my feelings.

I wanted to explain to her how much she meant to me, how her presence brightened my day, and how I looked forward to our conversations. But the words never seemed to find their way out.

Heaven on Earth

I never thought I would experience love at first sight. I wasn’t even sure I’d fall in love with a girl who was five years older than me. I thought, “Oh God, this isn’t good.” The next day at the office, we met in the canteen in the next building. She was having breakfast, and I joined her. We talked about casual things, not about what we had last night.

From that day, we talked over the phone for hours and met in the canteen for breakfast. She often brought me home-cooked food from her mother. I liked that. Everything was going well. I didn’t ask about her boyfriend. It felt like I was compromising just to keep her in my life those days. But I wish I could tell her every single thing. But I closed it there with nothing final. We were not friends and not in a relationship. Just spending time with each other over call and sharing each other’s life problems. Sometimes I used to send her reels that said how much I care for her. But she usually reacts to them.

Yes, still I feel that stage was the part of nowhere

Conclusion

Looking back, I realize that opportunities to express our feelings are fleeting. If we don’t seize them, they might slip away forever. I wish I could explain to her how much she meant to me, but I missed my chance. All I can do now is learn from this experience and hope that, in the future, I’ll have the courage to speak my heart.

The title “I wish I could Explain To Her” reflects the irony of my situation. In trying not to be too frank about my feelings, I lost the chance to be with someone I truly cared about.

I still feel that I missed something.